Well,
I have to "Learn to live with it". I suspected as much. Though the doctor did tell me, that I am NOT crazy, even if I feel like I am. (at least not because of the noise in my ears)
They did a hearing test, and the mild hearing loss which I knew I had was detected. It however is not enough to warrant hearing aids.
I don't wish this on anyone. I am sure it will take a few months but I am also confident that I can learn to ignore it, at least during the "living hours" of the day. It is the night time that scares me, I am only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep at night right now. I would not call them restful either. The white noise app on my phone helps some, at least I fall asleep, now if I could just figure out the frequency on the app that not only lets me fall asleep but also keeps me asleep I would be very happy.
Thank you all for the juju and prayers, I have a difficult road ahead but I am sure I can manage. I firmly believe that you are not given more than you can handle. Though this is surely testing my limits.
Becky
Monday, December 10, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
I feel like I am going nuts.
Update:
I got off of Weight Watchers from Aprilish until October. At which time I joined back up and am actually attending meetings. I had gained back 15 lbs of what I had lost and I am happy to say I am back down those 15 pounds now.
However, I am going nuts.
Well at least I feel like it, I have been told a lot of people suffer from this condition. I am praying that the doctor on Monday can give me some help to either learn to cope with it or fix it. The condition? Tinnitus, a constant very annoying ringing/buzzing/noise in your ears -- people commonly say it's in their head. NO ONE else can hear the noise, and for me that is the worst part. If you could hear it too, I wouldn't feel nearly as insane as I do.
Background: Due to asthma and multiple ear infections as a child I lost approximately 20% of my hearing in both ears. YOU would never know that though, because after 30+ years I have either gained that back or learned to cope exceptionally well and it is virtually undetectable now. The only time I really notice the loss is when someone is walking in front of me and trying to talk to me, when the sound is carrying away from me, I can't hear you. This buzzing sound -- I equate to cicadas in the summer -- is not new to me. I have had it most of what I can remember, I thought it was normal. UNTIL 2 weeks or so ago, when it was so INCREDIBLY loud in the middle of the night I woke up crying.
It has never been so loud that I couldn't function. Mind you, I thought this was normal, I didn't know there was actually something called complete silence, where you heard NO sound at all. I never told anyone about the sound in my head because it has always just been there. But when I couldn't sleep because of it, I knew there was something more wrong. I did some research, I brought it up to my audiologist cousin, and she assures me I am not crazy (at least not in this way), and now I have a doctor appointment with an ENT on Monday 12/10. Though I don't know what they can do for me. All my research says you basically have to learn to live with it, and avoid excessively loud sounds.
This sound is all I can focus on, I don't know how I am going to "learn to live with it" if that is indeed the case. I want to cry ALL the time. I even had my mom put her ear to mine to see if she could hear it, because at least then I would have shared it, she of course could not hear it, I didn't really expect her to be able to but was hopeful.
If you are the praying kind, please say one for me that I make it through this, because right now I would rather be deaf than have this noise. Thanks for listening. I will try to post more often again, and at least an update on what the doctor had to say.
Becky
I got off of Weight Watchers from Aprilish until October. At which time I joined back up and am actually attending meetings. I had gained back 15 lbs of what I had lost and I am happy to say I am back down those 15 pounds now.
However, I am going nuts.
Well at least I feel like it, I have been told a lot of people suffer from this condition. I am praying that the doctor on Monday can give me some help to either learn to cope with it or fix it. The condition? Tinnitus, a constant very annoying ringing/buzzing/noise in your ears -- people commonly say it's in their head. NO ONE else can hear the noise, and for me that is the worst part. If you could hear it too, I wouldn't feel nearly as insane as I do.
Background: Due to asthma and multiple ear infections as a child I lost approximately 20% of my hearing in both ears. YOU would never know that though, because after 30+ years I have either gained that back or learned to cope exceptionally well and it is virtually undetectable now. The only time I really notice the loss is when someone is walking in front of me and trying to talk to me, when the sound is carrying away from me, I can't hear you. This buzzing sound -- I equate to cicadas in the summer -- is not new to me. I have had it most of what I can remember, I thought it was normal. UNTIL 2 weeks or so ago, when it was so INCREDIBLY loud in the middle of the night I woke up crying.
It has never been so loud that I couldn't function. Mind you, I thought this was normal, I didn't know there was actually something called complete silence, where you heard NO sound at all. I never told anyone about the sound in my head because it has always just been there. But when I couldn't sleep because of it, I knew there was something more wrong. I did some research, I brought it up to my audiologist cousin, and she assures me I am not crazy (at least not in this way), and now I have a doctor appointment with an ENT on Monday 12/10. Though I don't know what they can do for me. All my research says you basically have to learn to live with it, and avoid excessively loud sounds.
This sound is all I can focus on, I don't know how I am going to "learn to live with it" if that is indeed the case. I want to cry ALL the time. I even had my mom put her ear to mine to see if she could hear it, because at least then I would have shared it, she of course could not hear it, I didn't really expect her to be able to but was hopeful.
If you are the praying kind, please say one for me that I make it through this, because right now I would rather be deaf than have this noise. Thanks for listening. I will try to post more often again, and at least an update on what the doctor had to say.
Becky
Monday, June 4, 2012
Welcome Back!
I am welcoming you back to me being back on the weight watcher wagon. (haha)
Well it has been a couple months, well more like almost 3, but I am not really counting exact ;) Needless to say it has been a seriously difficult few months. In March I had a MASSIVE arthritis flare up in my lower back that caused me to use a cane a few times, without it, I couldn't have made it down a hallway. As that was getting better, I suffered from Influenza A and spiked a 104* fever, ya that is no fun, don't do it! Once both of those things seemed to be cleared up and I thought I was good to go, I got the head cold of the century. NOW, however, with the exception of being freaking exhausted today, I feel pretty good!
Well to the nitty gritty, during all this I wasn't paying attention to points or even very close to portion control. I was too stressed to care. And I am a stress eater, of course I am also an emotional eater, and any other kind of eater you can imagine, I even *gasp* eat when I am hungry. SO during all this I only gained back 7 lbs, I am now 245. I wasn't ecstatic about having gained but I was thrilled I was still well below 250.
Of course I now have new motivation again. My sister is getting married in May of 2013. I am currently wearing a size 20/22 and my goal is to be in a 16/18, totally doable if I buckle down, and work hard. So I could use some good support over the next 10 months, I better be at my goal by then so the dress will have a chance to be tailored to fit correctly. So you can look forward to more blog posts again, thanks for taking the time to read.
Well it has been a couple months, well more like almost 3, but I am not really counting exact ;) Needless to say it has been a seriously difficult few months. In March I had a MASSIVE arthritis flare up in my lower back that caused me to use a cane a few times, without it, I couldn't have made it down a hallway. As that was getting better, I suffered from Influenza A and spiked a 104* fever, ya that is no fun, don't do it! Once both of those things seemed to be cleared up and I thought I was good to go, I got the head cold of the century. NOW, however, with the exception of being freaking exhausted today, I feel pretty good!
Well to the nitty gritty, during all this I wasn't paying attention to points or even very close to portion control. I was too stressed to care. And I am a stress eater, of course I am also an emotional eater, and any other kind of eater you can imagine, I even *gasp* eat when I am hungry. SO during all this I only gained back 7 lbs, I am now 245. I wasn't ecstatic about having gained but I was thrilled I was still well below 250.
Of course I now have new motivation again. My sister is getting married in May of 2013. I am currently wearing a size 20/22 and my goal is to be in a 16/18, totally doable if I buckle down, and work hard. So I could use some good support over the next 10 months, I better be at my goal by then so the dress will have a chance to be tailored to fit correctly. So you can look forward to more blog posts again, thanks for taking the time to read.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
An Object in Motion Tends to Stay in Motion
Update: Down 2, now at an even 240
I don't know where my willpower is coming from. I don't know why this time things click and make sense about how to do this. I don't know why I am finally looking at myself and not seeing a fat girl, but a girl who doesn't have to be fat. I love this feeling, the one where I am in control of my destiny.
On the days I don't exercise I miss it. On the days I don't want to exercise and do it anyway, I am really glad I did. On the days I am pumped to go exercise I try to do a little more than the day before. Where did THIS person come from? She is new, not someone I have known before, but I like her. I like her positivity, her demeanor, her attitude. The thing is SHE is ME! I didn't know this person lurked inside me, I am glad she has come forth to be in my world. It is my sincere hope she doesn't go into hiding again. (for the record, I am not crazy, it is not a multiple personality disorder)
I have always been a couch potato, and I admit, I still like my spot on the couch. I am not quite a Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, but I do have my spot. Now though I thoroughly enjoy walking, tae bo, and yoga. I also enjoy Just Dance and tennis for the wii. As my mom would quote from the movie "Madagascar", "I like to move it move it".
Therefore I now completely understand the old adage an object at rest tends to stay at rest, but an object in motion tends to stay in motion. And, I for one, am going to stay in motion.
I don't know where my willpower is coming from. I don't know why this time things click and make sense about how to do this. I don't know why I am finally looking at myself and not seeing a fat girl, but a girl who doesn't have to be fat. I love this feeling, the one where I am in control of my destiny.
On the days I don't exercise I miss it. On the days I don't want to exercise and do it anyway, I am really glad I did. On the days I am pumped to go exercise I try to do a little more than the day before. Where did THIS person come from? She is new, not someone I have known before, but I like her. I like her positivity, her demeanor, her attitude. The thing is SHE is ME! I didn't know this person lurked inside me, I am glad she has come forth to be in my world. It is my sincere hope she doesn't go into hiding again. (for the record, I am not crazy, it is not a multiple personality disorder)
I have always been a couch potato, and I admit, I still like my spot on the couch. I am not quite a Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, but I do have my spot. Now though I thoroughly enjoy walking, tae bo, and yoga. I also enjoy Just Dance and tennis for the wii. As my mom would quote from the movie "Madagascar", "I like to move it move it".
Therefore I now completely understand the old adage an object at rest tends to stay at rest, but an object in motion tends to stay in motion. And, I for one, am going to stay in motion.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Milestones
Well I did it, I hit the 20 lb mark! Now 242!
Milestones come in life some you welcome, some you don't, some you expect some surprise you. This was a week of milestones. Starting with the 20 pounds. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to this point. I realize I didn't gain the weight over night, and I won't lose it over night either. I was just starting to feel like I was going to be stuck at the 17-18 pounds forever. I was elated to get on the scale on Wednesday and see that I had surpassed that and had finally hit the 20 pounds gone.
Wednesday, I was so happy! Until about 1:30 pm when I received a text message from my sister. It simply said that Davy Jones of the Monkees had passed away early that day. Now you think to yourself, that is really sad, I feel for his family and friends, and wish him safe passage to the next stop on his journey. But, for me, this was a similar devastation as it was for Elvis fans when he passed. I don't really understand it myself. I hadn't listened to a Monkees song in months and I hadn't searched for Davy online in at least that long if not more than a year. But the Monkees and specifically Davy were a huge part of my childhood. I would turn on Nickelodeon and watch the re-runs every day after school. I even saw them on their 20th reunion tour, in August of 1987. So needless to say this milestone was unexpected, unwanted, and shocking.
Milestones. There are many more to come in my journey. I am looking forward to weight loss milestones, career milestones, and any others that are in store for me that I have no clue about at this point. But I fear there are many more sad milestones coming that I am not ready for, nor do I want to come. But come they will, and I will power through, the same way I am with this weight loss journey. It is one step at a time, and you never know when that next step is going to be a biggie.
Today, another milestone has occurred in my family. My cousin Andy and his lovely wife Jill, welcomed a new addition to the family. Marie Amilee Bare was born. And they named her after my Grandmother who passed 2 yrs ago in April. Marie, was my Grandmothers name. This little one has a lot of milestones to come in her world, and I look forward to watching her grow and achieve those.
BRING IT ON, there is nothing I can not power through. Milestones, will not get me down, at least not to the point where I can't get up and carry on. Next target milestone, is 25 pounds. It is coming, and I am ready.
Milestones come in life some you welcome, some you don't, some you expect some surprise you. This was a week of milestones. Starting with the 20 pounds. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to this point. I realize I didn't gain the weight over night, and I won't lose it over night either. I was just starting to feel like I was going to be stuck at the 17-18 pounds forever. I was elated to get on the scale on Wednesday and see that I had surpassed that and had finally hit the 20 pounds gone.
Wednesday, I was so happy! Until about 1:30 pm when I received a text message from my sister. It simply said that Davy Jones of the Monkees had passed away early that day. Now you think to yourself, that is really sad, I feel for his family and friends, and wish him safe passage to the next stop on his journey. But, for me, this was a similar devastation as it was for Elvis fans when he passed. I don't really understand it myself. I hadn't listened to a Monkees song in months and I hadn't searched for Davy online in at least that long if not more than a year. But the Monkees and specifically Davy were a huge part of my childhood. I would turn on Nickelodeon and watch the re-runs every day after school. I even saw them on their 20th reunion tour, in August of 1987. So needless to say this milestone was unexpected, unwanted, and shocking.
Milestones. There are many more to come in my journey. I am looking forward to weight loss milestones, career milestones, and any others that are in store for me that I have no clue about at this point. But I fear there are many more sad milestones coming that I am not ready for, nor do I want to come. But come they will, and I will power through, the same way I am with this weight loss journey. It is one step at a time, and you never know when that next step is going to be a biggie.
Today, another milestone has occurred in my family. My cousin Andy and his lovely wife Jill, welcomed a new addition to the family. Marie Amilee Bare was born. And they named her after my Grandmother who passed 2 yrs ago in April. Marie, was my Grandmothers name. This little one has a lot of milestones to come in her world, and I look forward to watching her grow and achieve those.
BRING IT ON, there is nothing I can not power through. Milestones, will not get me down, at least not to the point where I can't get up and carry on. Next target milestone, is 25 pounds. It is coming, and I am ready.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Rollin' along
Update: Down another pound! Now 244. I was really hoping to get to 20 lbs this week, but I will settle for the 18 that are gone. :)
For the first time since starting Weight Watchers and exercising, I had a craving. A craving that I didn't think I was going to be able to avoid. I was a fast food junkie. I would eat at McDonald's (mostly, but the others once in a while too) at least 3 times a week. I have not been to a fast food place since Jan 1st, 2012. My willpower had been super strong. But last Friday, I wanted a double cheeseburger and fries and a large coke, and I wanted it bad.
As I do every weekend during pee-wee basketball season, I headed to Saginaw to help take care of my little nephew, while his brothers hoop it up. I drive by like 4 McDonald's on the way. I fought the urge by driving in the inside lane rather than the lane next to the driveway. I was certain if I didn't have that cushion between me and the restaurant I would lose the battle and pull in. I made it to my brothers house without stopping. *whew*
The craving didn't go away! Saturday, still wanted it, Sunday, still wanted it, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- yep you guessed it still wanted it. And to top it off, on Monday I was SO hungry I thought I could eat an entire pizza, cheesecake, and loaf of bread! I haven't been hungry like that in a really LONG time. And certainly not since I had started on this journey. Then all became clear on Thursday. I am a girl. That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes being a girl sucks! But the good news is, I now know I can make it through even the toughest cravings. Even if I have to continue rollin' along right on past the drive way of all the fast food stops.
Thanks for reading! I'll be back next week.
For the first time since starting Weight Watchers and exercising, I had a craving. A craving that I didn't think I was going to be able to avoid. I was a fast food junkie. I would eat at McDonald's (mostly, but the others once in a while too) at least 3 times a week. I have not been to a fast food place since Jan 1st, 2012. My willpower had been super strong. But last Friday, I wanted a double cheeseburger and fries and a large coke, and I wanted it bad.
As I do every weekend during pee-wee basketball season, I headed to Saginaw to help take care of my little nephew, while his brothers hoop it up. I drive by like 4 McDonald's on the way. I fought the urge by driving in the inside lane rather than the lane next to the driveway. I was certain if I didn't have that cushion between me and the restaurant I would lose the battle and pull in. I made it to my brothers house without stopping. *whew*
The craving didn't go away! Saturday, still wanted it, Sunday, still wanted it, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- yep you guessed it still wanted it. And to top it off, on Monday I was SO hungry I thought I could eat an entire pizza, cheesecake, and loaf of bread! I haven't been hungry like that in a really LONG time. And certainly not since I had started on this journey. Then all became clear on Thursday. I am a girl. That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes being a girl sucks! But the good news is, I now know I can make it through even the toughest cravings. Even if I have to continue rollin' along right on past the drive way of all the fast food stops.
Thanks for reading! I'll be back next week.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Holding My Own
The update: 0 lbs lost and 0 lbs gained still 245.
The blog: In attempts past, this would have been very devastating to me. NO LOSS?? What? Meh, Sometimes you are going to lose and sometimes you are going to gain, and sometimes you are going to hold your own.
I have been doing a lot of losing over the first 5 weeks or so, and as I have said before that is not likely to always be the case. This week is just the first of many that will feel like I am not succeeding. HOWEVER, I know what happened that I didn't lose, I knew it when it was happening, and I was just hoping I wouldn't gain. I went out to dinner on Friday, had dessert, a drink, and a big breakfast on Saturday morning. I CHOSE not to track those weight watcher points. I needed a break from all the worry of what I was putting in my mouth. Sometimes you just need to enjoy yourself.
I refuse this time to let a minor "set back" or outright choice I made to be my demise. So when I checked the scale on Monday to see where I was at and was up a pound, I re-focused, and pushed ahead. By Wednesday (my weigh in day) I was back to the same as last week. I intend to be down a little next week. That is how this has to go. There are no true set backs, there are only bumps in the road. I will not let a bump deter me from my goal.
Thanks for reading!
The blog: In attempts past, this would have been very devastating to me. NO LOSS?? What? Meh, Sometimes you are going to lose and sometimes you are going to gain, and sometimes you are going to hold your own.
I have been doing a lot of losing over the first 5 weeks or so, and as I have said before that is not likely to always be the case. This week is just the first of many that will feel like I am not succeeding. HOWEVER, I know what happened that I didn't lose, I knew it when it was happening, and I was just hoping I wouldn't gain. I went out to dinner on Friday, had dessert, a drink, and a big breakfast on Saturday morning. I CHOSE not to track those weight watcher points. I needed a break from all the worry of what I was putting in my mouth. Sometimes you just need to enjoy yourself.
I refuse this time to let a minor "set back" or outright choice I made to be my demise. So when I checked the scale on Monday to see where I was at and was up a pound, I re-focused, and pushed ahead. By Wednesday (my weigh in day) I was back to the same as last week. I intend to be down a little next week. That is how this has to go. There are no true set backs, there are only bumps in the road. I will not let a bump deter me from my goal.
Thanks for reading!
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